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Mary Long is a hypocrite

       She does all the things that she tells us not to do

       Selling filth from a corner shop

       And knitting patterns to the high street queue

       She paints roses, even makes them smell good

       And then she draws titties on the khazy wall

       Drowns kittens just to get a thrill

       And writes sermons in the Sunday Chronicle

       How did you lose your virginity, Mary Long ?

       When will you lose your stupidity, Mary Long ?

       Mary told Johnny not to write such trash

       Said it was a waste of public money

       She made a fuss, they made apologies

       But everybody thought the show was funny

       When the nation knew you'd had children

       It came as such a surprise

       We really didn't know you'd had it in you

       How you did it we can only surmise

       How did you lose your virginity, Mary Long ?

       When will you lose your stupidity, Mary Long ?

       Mary Long, you're not alone

       But you're a long way behind our times

       What we do in full frontal view

       Is more honest than your clean-up mind

       What I'm saying, Mary Long is

       When you can spare a minute

       Go find your friend the porny Lord

       Dig your self a hole and jump in it

       How did you lose your virginity, Mary Long ?

       When will you lose your stupidity, Mary Long ?