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In what feels like an eon or more

I have stood still in a river of blood

Is it mine or is it yours, I have no idea

All I know is that I am alive and you are not

I cannot see to shore

My dear friend Theodore

In despair I usually reach for the bottle

With full throttle

Is that a falling star or a space shuttle

Am I supposed to feel this zen

In this devil’s den

I am not unsure of my sin, yet maybe did I win

These memories, are they mine

They seem to me so unkind

These bloody knots, they won’t unwind

I have not a sword

Bastard gordian

This string is a slight bit too short

I am not great Alexander

Nor that tall one Leander

I ask upon once again and yet still no answer

I heard a meow but saw no cat

So what the fucking hell was that

This is not the water of which

Upon I hang my ancient hat

I am here stuck without a boat

In this crimson hell I float

And nothing of it can be done

Was it just an imbroglio I won

Red is the color I see when I close my eyes

Fire and brimstone, no ice

Is all this happening inside my head

Is it a dream or am I maybe dead

I will be on the path most safe

I do not dare, I am not a waif

I feel like I still have the most to lose

I cannot chase that golden goose

This is not a life but I feel alive

Can I not just go to sleep and wake again as the second youngest of five

In this ocean I am sleep deprived

Maybe I am dead but in the process of being revived

And if so what do I do to help them succeed

And if not so then what the fuck indeed

I am beyond clueless but after eons I wonder

I must do something or be drawn asunder

I can take my life, of that I am sure

I still have lungs and drowning I can’t endure

Testing my limits is my only past time after all

And I still hear the sweet voice of the void call

But what if that brings me death, a permanent one I mean

Should I hold on to my breath after the voids I have seen

I could surely see some more but my mind is slowly leaving

This is beyond all kinds of gore, looks can be so deceiving

Suicide is a sin too I have been told

But what is a life worth if you’re centuries old

I barely even remember what life is supposed to be

And if this here is life then that’s just not for me

But what of the afterlife, I truly fear what more is to tell

I mean if this is existence, damnation sure will be hell

And I wouldn’t wish that for my worst enemy

After life I think we all deserve what’s heavenly

What stupidity we left behind should be forgotten

Forgiven, erased, a new divine chance gotten

But if I am still alive and I die by the sin

Will I cross that line that is hair thin

Will you understand me, highest king

I'm ready to depart but please just tell me one thing

Can I still get into heaven if I kill myself

Can I still get into heaven if I kill myself

Can I still get into heaven if I kill myself

My dear friend Theodore

I will do what is best for me