Taintstick's Cow Fucker Tully blindly reviews metal songs

Taintstick Taintstick's Cow Fucker has blindly commented on some of today's top metal songs. Without knowing the bands, Cow Fucker listened to each track and gave his comments on each. Be sure to pick up Taintstick's new release "Six Pounds Of Sound" out now via Suburban Noize Records.

Here is "Cow Fucker" Tully's blind review of each:
(He heard the song but had no idea who the band was.)

Iwrestledabearonce - "Tastes Like Kevin Bacon"
There's been a LOT of metal made in the last 40 years. So much so, in fact, that it's possible there's nothing left to do that's both original and good. Meaning most new bands have to choose between being (a) derivative but good, or (b) original but annoying. These guys have chosen Option B. I give it a 4 out of 10. PS - Is Gwen Stefani on this track?

Immortal - "All Shall Fall"
Boy, in this mp3 age, it's really asking a lot to make people sit through the 'scary wind' effect at the beginning of a song. (Of course, Taintstick pulls this kind of shit regularly, so we can't really point
fingers.) Some people think scary metal is silly. I happen to think it's cool. I am willing to believe this dude is wholly in league with Satan, and was not wearing Target-bought Hanes tighty-whiteys when he cut this vocal. I give it a 3 out of 10. I think this would be better if the drummer could hear what the rest of the band was doing, so he could try to play along with them.

Nile - "Permitting the Noble Dead to Descend to the Underworld"
You know when metal fan dudes sing metal tunes, and the sound is kind of there, but they have to sing really soft to get it kind of scratchy and cool? (Like the guy in the parking lot singing 'Berzerker' in
'Clerks.') I have a feeling this guy is singing like that, and it's making it hard for me to buy what he's selling. 2 out of 10.

Suicide Silence - "Wake Up"
You know what I picture when a band alternates between the low cookie monster, and the screechy high voice? Jabba the Hut, and the little dude that he hung out with. Jabba and the little dude = not metal. If this was on in the right bar, it wouldn't offend me. 2 out of 10. Isn't it sort of embarrassing that the average guitarist in an emo band can shred better than most metal dudes these days?

Skeletonwitch - "Crushed Beyond Dust"
I know I'm gonna sound really old and out of touch with these reviews, but.....really? This is the singer? Love the band - nothing too innovative here, but they keep things moving - unfortunately this sounds like somebody hired Bobby Blitz from Overkill to voice a scary guy in a video game. Or possibly Stripe from Gremlins. 3 out of 10.

Killwhitneydead - "You Smell Excited"
I think this band would be better if they let the movie audio be the singer, rather than this guy, who, judging by the lyrics, either is or will become a registered sex offender. 2 out of 10.

3 Inches of Blood - "Battles & Brotherhood"
If this isn't from the 80's, it sure wants to be. Two thoughts: 1) 80's metal is like 80's boobs. When you go back and check either out, they weren't nearly as good as you remember. But somehow strangely, the shittiness (be it weak tones and riffs, or tan lines and no implants) serve only to make the old days more endearing. 2) Man it was easy to be a successful metal band back then. Anyone who was 20 years old in the 80's, and had access to a Kramer Starfighter guitar, if you did not start at least a regionally successful metal band, tour, get wasted for free and get laid all the time, well, you blew it. 4 out of 10.



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Date: Nov 05, 2009
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