Like a classic Mongol invasion, the insurmountable GWAR returns to America from an extended Antarctican exile to shake the foundations of the 2004 Presidential Election with their recently appointed bid, War Party. The Campaign trail, kicking off on October 26th and sponsored by DRT Entertainment (who support the likes of Lit, Clutch, Fu Manchu, and Edwin McCain), GWAR is primed to turn the electoral proceedings on its head. Armed with Campaign slogans like “Bring Back The Bomb,” “Krosstika,” “The Reaganator,” and “You Can’t Kill Terror”, GWAR is sure to secure the majority Independent Vote.
When approached for comment on why GWAR has chosen to run, spokesman/ Supreme Overlord Oderus Urungus offered his impression on the current state of our country: “Complete Anarchy, disorder, crime, the elite occupying their 1% position on the $&@#heap. We plan to invert this $&@#heap and burrow to the top!”
GWAR, an axe-wielding counter-political organization currently consisting of delegates Urungus, Balsac The Jaws Of Death, Jizmak The Gusha, Flattus Maximus, and Beefcake The Mighty is embroiled by the degradation of the nation, and plans to take full advantage of this opportunity.
Complete details of GWAR’s campaign intent can be found at this bacterial-encrusted viral player/e-card, which includes numerous campaign slogans, visual propaganda and other pertinent campaigning material: http://www.hyfntrak.com/gwar/fromafriend/
Urungus continues, “Our main priority is to crucify all remaining politicians, sack the Senate, rape the Congress, and abolish all laws. It will be a yearlong orgy of raping and crucifying of old men up and down the Mall in Washington, DC. We would set fire to their golf clubs, and on the flayed skin of their backs, we will compose a new Constitution of disorder, signed in fecal matter!”
When asked what politicians are most deserving of GWAR’s attention, Oderus puts it succinctly, “To elevate one to a particular point of suffering above another would be to imply that there was something special about any of them, and I don’t want to do that. We’re going to take members of your culture that we deem offensive or admirable and put them to death in various horrible ways to the soundtrack of blazing heavy metal.” One can only assume that the likes of Mr. GW Bush, Osama Bin-Laden, and Senator John Kerry will be making guest appearances on GWAR’s campaign tour. Oderus did point out that California “Governator” Arnold Schwarzenegger has joined the War Party and will be touring with GWAR as a special guest.
Issues on the organization’s platform include pro-abortion, same-sex animal marriage, and indiscriminate execution for all. GWAR also supports the rights of America’s youth. Oderus explains, “I firmly believe that if you can take young people, ship them halfway around the world, give them multi-million dollar weapon systems to play with, then they SHOULD be able to buy beer…and vote!”
And his response to solving the crisis in the Middle East, he states, “You can’t give something to a people, especially if they don’t want it. America is missing the entire point here. The War Party knows exactly what to do. To solve this whole problem in the Middle East is to nuke Mecca! We feel no discrimination in our plan to destroy everyone: the Islams, the Americans, the powemad Zionists. They’re all gonna die and joined together in some giant, blazing nuclear fireball at some point, and we’re just trying to hasten that destiny, so we can get on with what will happen afterwards.”
Therefore, who has the best odds of winning the 2004 Presidential Election?
Bush. Kerry. Nader. Neither! ODERUS!!!
Catch GWAR on their unequivocal War Party “Mock The Vote” Tour throughout autumn:
Tue, Oct 26 Norfolk, VA The NorVa
Wed, Oct 27 New York, NY Spirit Performance Center
Thu, Oct 28 Latham, NY Saratoga Winners
Fri, Oct 29 Worcester, MA Palladium
Sat, Oct 30 Portland, ME The State Theater
Sun, Oct 31 Philadelphia, PA Electric Factory
Tue, Nov 2 Montreal, QC, Can. Club Soda
Wed, Nov 3 Ottawa, ON, Can. Capital Music Hall
Thu, Nov 4 Toronto, ON, Can. Opera House
Fri, Nov 5 Detroit, MI Harpo's
Sat, Nov 6 Millvale, PA Mr. Small's Theatre
Sun, Nov 7 Rochester, NY Water Street Music Hall
Mon, Nov 8 State College, PA Crowbar
Wed, Nov 10 Cleveland, OH The Odeon
Thu, Nov 11 Chicago, IL House of Blues
Fri, Nov 12 Urbana, IL Canopy Club
Sat, Nov 13 Sauget, IL Pop's
Sun, Nov 14 Colombus, OH Newport Music Hall
Mon, Nov 15 Milwaukee, WI The Eagles Club
Tue, Nov 16 Cinncinnati, OH Bogart's
Fri, Nov 19 Minneapolis, MN First Avenue
Sat, Nov 20 Winnipeg, MB, Can. "Pyramid Cabaret
Sun, Nov 21 Saskatoon, SK, Can. The Roxy on Broadway
Mon, Nov 22 Edmonton, AB, Can. Red's Entertainment Complex
Tue, Nov 23 Calgary, AB, Can. University of Calgary
Wed, Nov 24 Vancouver, BC, Can. Commodore Ballroom
Thu, Nov 25 Victoria, BC, Can. Sugar Night Club
Fri, Nov 26 Seattle, WA Premier
Sat, Nov 27 Portland, OR Roseland Theater
Sun, Nov 28 Petaluma, CA Phoenix Theater
Mon, Nov 29 San Francisco, CA DNA Lounge
Wed, Dec 1 Tempe, AZ Marquee Theater
Thu, Dec 2 Santa Ana, CA Galaxy
Fri, Dec 3 West Hollywood, CA Key Club
Sat, Dec 4 Chico, CA The Senator Theatre
Sun, Dec 5 Bend, OR The Midtown
Tue, Dec 7 Salt Lake City, UT Lo-Fi Cafe
Wed, Dec 8 Denver, CO Ogden Theatre
Thu, Dec 9 Albuquerque, NM Sunshine Theater
Fri, Dec 10 Oklahoma City, OK Diamond Ballroom
Sat, Dec 11 Springfield, MO Rockwell
Sun, Dec 12 Dallas, TX Trees
Tue, Dec 14 Houston, TX Engine Room
Wed, Dec 15 New Orleans, LA House of Blues
Fri, Dec 17 Lake Buena Vista, FL House of Blues
Sat, Dec 18 Fort Lauderdale, FL Culture Room
Sun, Dec 19 Tampa, FL Masquerade
Mon, Dec 20 Atlanta, GA Masquerade
Tue, Dec 21 N. Myrtle Beach, SC House of Blues Myrtle Beach
Date: Oct 21, 2004
As Reported by: admin
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